I said, “No”…He said, “Yeah Right!”
How many times do you make plans? The perfect plans…or at least ones that you thought were pretty good…whether for a big vacation or day trip, planning out errands or everything you needed to accomplish around the house that day, maybe it’s a party or an event. You had thoroughly researched, thought through all the different scenarios of what you would do if any aspect of the plan got thrown off, had all the steps numbered and every “i” dotted and “t” crossed. Your list was made and you were ready to put the plan in to action. You would stay completely in control of the plans no matter what… because, after all, they were your plans and you were the one calling the shots.
If only that was how it really worked. Sigh. But God. He laughs at our plans. Maybe not all of them…sometimes we get it right. But I’m convinced that He gets a really good chuckle out of our plans sometimes. Then He sets us straight. We all of sudden think something went wrong with our plan and we go crazy trying to get that plan back up and running on its intended course when really, it’s Him. He’s actually putting us on His attended course. We never had any control of it in the first place, did we? I mean, there is free will and all, but He’s ultimately in control and it seems to be a lesson I need reminding of daily. Sometimes I can take his gentle nudge and sometimes it’s not so pretty, folks.
I remember one perfect plan I had just a few years ago. I was struggling emotionally due to some horrific life circumstances. It wasn’t pretty and honestly, getting out of bed each day was a challenge. A dear friend invited me to a women’s retreat. It was a very small group, maybe 30 women {29 I didn’t know and didn’t really need or want to know}, at a little place I knew of in the North Georgia Mountains. I figured the speaker and her topic at a little event like this wouldn’t be anything too life changing which would make MY plan even easier to implement. A weekend away sounded delightful and exhausting all at once. I didn’t really want to be around anyone I didn’t know because my ability to hold it together was lacking and I’m really not a fan of the “mask” decoy, but I also knew that time away would be good. I said yes and I made a plan. A plan to just go through the motions during the sessions and then sneak out for every other aspect of the worship, fellowship & festivities, retreat back to my cottage or a rocking chair facing the mountains and just escape from my life. Ahhhhh… the thought of it warmed my soul… what a perfect plan…the perfect escape.
So let’s look at what really happened.
I arrived. The women who coordinated the event had taken the time to hand-write each of us a personal note card and leave it on our pillow. Telling of the prayers they had already lifted us up in and how me being there was already an answer to their prayer. I thought “awe… that’s sweet” but it wasn’t going to change my plan. As I met everyone they were sweet as pie… the kind of people I’d probably enjoy hanging out with and getting to know, but not this weekend because my plan was to avoid people and relationship building for a few days. Remember it was all about me getting some quiet time and soaking in the mountains and escaping MY life.
So as the first session started and the worship music melody began, the voices all around me began singing and I felt it… and I tried to ignore it… but I felt it… my soul was being stirred and the tears were fighting to come out. I stuffed them back in to the point that my eyes were burning and the lump in my throat was so big I was having trouble breathing but I was not going to crack.. no m’am… I’m in control.
The speaker came out… cutest little thing and I don’t think she got past her 1st paragraph and I knew I was in trouble…big trouble. She spoke my language and it’s as if she knew exactly what I had been through and what I was struggling with. Whew… I had to rework some things in my head quickly or I was going to lose it in the middle of all these strangers. So I did and I was quite proud of myself for staying on track…. But that pride quickly turned to defeat when that first tear escaped down my darn cheek… ug… this was going to be a challenge.
The sessions went on and she reached deeper in to my soul… deeper in to the wounds…deeper in to my pride and secrets and thoughts… man… she was hitting the nail on the head. I quickly realized that she just might be the only person I’d run across in the past year that could even remotely understand what I was going through. I longed to sit in a quiet room with her and share my story and bathe in the wisdom she had gained in walking through her fire.. but you see, I knew that would not happen. You know how everyone wants to get a few minutes of time with the speaker at events and I surely wasn’t going to stand in line to meet her.. what the heck would I even say… “Hello, my name is Mandy and I am a big HOT.MESS and I need to talk to you alone for a while so you can help me put my world back together”? So I reworked my plan again to include a little test of God. Do you know how much God loves when we test Him? Oh.my.word. does He just get a kick out of it! I said, “Ok, God… {knowing He wasn’t going to make it happen}, if I get a chance to sit down next to her I will strike up a conversation and see where it goes. Then I walked away smiling knowing that my secrets were safe with me ‘cause it wasn’t going to happen.
I got through an entire day. It didn’t happen… told you so… oh, but there was still one night left. When the session after dinner was complete they were having and “optional” activity involving groups of 6-8 women sitting around round tables. They were going to play a little game where there were questions written on folded pieces of paper in the middle of the table and you’d take turns going around picking from one of two piles… 1 being easier {less personal} questions than the other pile and then sharing your answer. I quickly was like “check please” and was heading back to have that escape time that I had built in to my plan. As I started toward the exit, some of the sweet older ladies I had met stopped me to chat and of course asked where I was going and I said I was just running back to my room “for a bit” but those sweet southern voices and “bless your heart” kind of sweetness weren’t going to let me walk out of there. Darn it. I was stuck playing the question game at the round tables.
But that’s ok… God still hadn’t fulfilled the test I had given Him so I figured I’d just go through the motions, answer a few questions from the easier pile and then retreat.
So the question round begin… no problem… got it.. easy peasy…
Out of the corner of my eye I see the guest speaker enter the ballroom area and she’s just looking around. It suddenly dawns on me that there is an empty seat on my right. I start sweating and all I am thinking is “I’m sorry for testing you God… please don’t let her sit next to me… I just want to go to my escape time and the deal was that I’d have to be alone with her to talk about it”… What do you think happened?
Probably not too hard to figure out… she sat down right next to me.
We made a little small talk during the question game. Perfect… won’t have to talk about “it”. The game went on… it was my turn. Now I don’t remember the exact words on the piece of paper but all I remember was it clearly meant that I needed to spill the beans, not just in front of the one…but in front of the entire table. My eyes glassed over, my palms started sweating and the lump in my throat was huge and my heart was racing. I was like “God, listen… I am NOT going to talk about this.. not here…not now… not in a house, not with a mouse, not in a tree, God let me be!!!”. I said I would talk to her ALONE. I didn’t want to and was not going to share my “business” with an entire table of ladies… no way…no how…. And He pushed further. My entire body was sweating, I was coughing as my heart was practically beating out of my chest, that darn first tear escaped down my cheek… I tried harder and harder to swallow the words that were making their way up and out… I fought it hard…. And He pushed harder… the tears were flowing… oh yes, the runny nose started…ok, it was more of a snot fest and the lump in my throat was so big at this point I was gagging and then the feeling that I was going to vomit came over me (no joke… I was either going to be obedient and speak or I was going to throw up… in front of everyone one). It was like an out-of-body experience… the craziest physical feeling I had ever experienced like this…I literally had no control to stop it {think crazy creature in sci-fi movie}. I fought back…He fought harder… and eventually… with all eyes staring at me and people asking me if I was ok, I blurted it out… all .of. it. with tears and snot streaming and sweat pouring…it was ugly…it was downright embarrassing…it was painful… and it was awful.
and.it.was.healing.
Left on my own I was going to keep it to myself. I was going to keep it buried…shoved down deep inside…for the evil one to have his fun with.
But God… stepped in and took the control away from me in order to bless me. He brought what was hidden in the darkness of my soul and brought it in to the light. Instead of being hidden away on my own, in my room, in escape mode, He surrounded me with prayer warriors. I departed that night covered in hugs and words of encouragement with people wiping my tears. I entered the next morning with these women walking up to me and handing me scripture that they had stayed up late praying over me… for me… a stranger who had just emotionally vomited in front of a group of women…. I sat and had breakfast (practically alone) with the guest speaker and she poured truth in to me. I was convicted of things I did’t really want to acknowledge. I was challenged. I was blessed.
It didn’t stop there… they checked on me after I got home… every few weeks I’d hear from one of them. They were still praying for me. They still cared. I was being carried buy the exact women I had planned to avoid.
I’d like to say I learned my lesson and have figured out that His plans are always better than mine and will always prevail over mine… but I still forget {or maybe more like ignore that fact}… I still like to put my plans in to place, often without even asking Him what He thinks about them. The struggle is real. I like control, don’t you? Remember when I tried to tell Him no about homeschooling? Didn’t learn my lesson then either!
Don’t His blessings come in crazy, hard, uncomfortable forms sometimes?
When is a time your plan and His plan collided?
Just what I needed to hear today! God’s timing is amazing, as are your words.
Thank you Susan! What a blessing to hear that you were touched by God through my words right when you needed it. He’s in the business of doing that often and it just makes me smile when I hear stories of His perfect timing. I’m hear for you!