Life Doesn’t Fit in a Box

Does your life fit in a box?  I hardly think so.

Mine. doesn’t. either.

As a matter of fact, I have no idea where to start.  You see, we’ve been asked to take a leap of faith. A.Huge.One.  One that makes no sense at all and also makes perfect sense.  One that has some certainties and so many uncertainties.  One that has me hope filled but also, if I’m being honest, has me feeling anxious and a tad bit fearful because we really never know if we are making the right decision.  Every decision we make in life, large or small, carries with it some level of risk or unknown.  Somehow when that decision involves an entire family…{3 of which are at that “stage” where change isn’t welcomed} and having just traveled through some excruciating circumstances, it makes the risk and leap of faith seem so much bigger…bigger than I can wrap my heart, mind and soul around. But we’ve wrestled with this decision for years.  We haven’t arrived here haphazardly or without wise council, prayer and countless months searching for that next place that we would call h.o.m.e.

So as I sit among boxes, I stare at them. The sound of the packing tape makes that awful screeching sound that’s about as pleasant as nails on a chalkboard.  I’d probably be making much better progress if I actually put things IN the boxes don’t you think?  But I don’t know how to take our family, our memories here, our joy, our pain, the pieces of our life and put them in a stack of boxes, tape them shut and stick a label on them.  These boxes and all they hold will then be set down behind a new door and I don’t know what that will look like, feel like or turn out like.

As you pick up each and every item, you have the opportunity to look at it and ask yourself a few questions:

• When is the last time I used this?
• What value does it bring to our life compared to the cost of moving this item?
• What memory does it hold?
• Can I live without it?
• Have I been holding on to this for too long?
• Is it tied to a memory I need to let go of?

Now, if you ask hubby and the princess of the house the answer is that everything needs to go with us!  If you ask the boys they’ll tell you besides their prized LEGO models that they can fit their life in approximately 2 boxes.  If you ask mom, I say have a dumpster delivered and make things disappear while no one is home {besides my craft room contents and essential oils, of course}.  I know it’s not easy, but we’re downsizing….3000sf down to 1600sf…no joke…we can’t take all this stuff!!!

I am not a “stuff” person and I am not a sentimental person when it comes to too many physical “things”.  I mean, I’m certainly not heartless, but I am much more a relational person than a “stuff” person. I value and cherish relationships over “things” which is what makes this so hard for me because, what I can’t pack up and put in a box is the “life” that we lived here.  I can’t pack the moment on March 31st, 2016 that I stood in my dining room weeping as I said goodbye to my father-in-law over the phone… in his last breaths…saying he loved me…then he was gone.  I can’t take with me that last snuggle with our precious puppy who died of Lymphoma last spring.  I can’t take the moment we brought our adopted daughter in to this home and stick that in a box.  The fellowship around the table with friends & family and birthday candles blown out can’t get shoved in a cardboard box.  The wide eyes and smiles on Christmas morning coming through the family room door.  The kids height etched on the door frame on each birthday. The kissed boo boo’s..nope.  The fact that I can tell which child is coming down the staircase in the morning because I know the exact sound their feet make against the carpet in this home.  I can’t take the sound of the backdoor opening when hubby comes home from a business trip and all the kids charging towards the back door across the hardwoods…thump….thump…thump…and squeeze it in a box.   I can’t take with me the weight of carrying our son up and down the stairs surgery after surgery.   Those are the things that make my heart ache. beyond. words….sigh…

Something I learned during the time leading up to this decision is how easy it is to remain paralyzed.  It’s easier to stay.  Easier to do what is comfortable.  Easier to rely on the familiar people and places and things that surround us. Easier to cling tight to it all instead of un-clenching the hands.  But I don’t believe we can truly grow, exercise our trust in God and experience life to the fullest if we remain where we are. I don’t fully understand His timing and what His plan is… but… when we’ve prayed for little breadcrumbs to be scattered up ahead so we knew which path to follow…He sprinkled them…heck, sometimes he threw an entire loaf of bread at us!  It does not mean that the path He’s bringing us on will be an easy one, but…

I believe it’s time to step out. trust. grow. stretch. heal. say goodbye. say hello. begin again. create new memories. explore new places. meet new people. wander new towns. create a new normal. soak in new scenery. breathe fresher air. ditch the traffic and noise.  disconnect. reconnect.  Time goes by so quickly…I don’t want to live paralyzed anymore. 

There is one thing in all of this that I am 100% certain of…….While my heart and our life from these past 16 years here won’t fit in to all these boxes, my heart does fit in the palm of God’s hand perfectly and I can trust Him with it.